Mind you, I wrote this while still in Costa Rica, so it's not pertinent to my life at this very moment, but I thought it would be a nice bit of closure for the blog.
I'd like to thank all of you for going on this little adventure with me. I can only hope that you enjoyed it as much as I did.
***
With all that’s happened since I’ve arrived in Costa Rica, I’m left feeling surprisingly calm here at the end. Whether my calm is borne from exhaustion or genuine tranquility, I don’t know, but it’s nice to be here. I’m still scrambling to tie up loose ends and finish projects and papers and make sure I don’t miss the few sweet moments that I have left, but all in all, I feel ready.
I’m ready to go home. I have loved it here, and I would not change it if given the chance; I have learned more here in three months than I have in a year on campus. I have not only learned the scholarly, but I have learned more about myself and about the world than I ever thought I would. I wouldn’t lie and say that every moment was a dream. There were times I found myself curled in bed wanting nothing more than everything at home, but I think those moments made me stronger.
I had doubts when I first set out. I didn’t voice them but to a few, but they existed. My bravado tried to hide the fact that I was worried. Not about being away from home- I knew I could do that. Not about meeting new people- I knew I could do that. But rather about failing entirely. What if I had talked myself up, but ended up having to come home? What if my host family ended up hating me? What if I couldn’t do it alone?
All the ‘what if’s cumulated into a ball of tense nerves that I held in my chest. The ball slowly loosened over time, and here I am now, laying in bed, looking back on everything I’ve done, and that ball of fear is gone. I had very little faith in myself at the beginning, and while I’m still not the most confident person in the world, I now know more about my abilities than I did when I set out.
I know that I can travel alone. I can take a map, a phone, and a bus, and I can get anywhere I need to. I can make friends in two different languages. I can hook myself in by my feet and jump off a bridge. I can run and jump from forty feet high into a river without hooking my feet into anything. I can look my fears in the face and say ‘so what?’. I was afraid to jump- I did it anyway. I was afraid to speak- I did it anyway. I was afraid to abandon all of my familiarity for four months- I did it anyway... And I loved it. I have made many more close friendships in three months here than I ever thought I might.
I learned about all that I can endure- frigid showers, ants on my toothbrush, mosquitos in the night, humidity so dense you’d think you were under water... I thought I would leave this trip with a better appreciation of what I have at home, but I was wrong. I am going to leave here knowing that I already wholly appreciated the good in my life. The appreciation I’m leaving with is of myself and what I can do.
I had never been tested before, now I have been, and I held up. I’m going home in one tanned, Spanish speaking, still procrastinating piece. I can do the things I never thought I’d be good enough to do, and no obstacle will be bigger than the one I make of myself.
I will keep this blog up and running for a few weeks after I get home. I have a few papers I’d like to post, and I’m sure my quirky little brain will think of other things it wants to paste across the internet. But I’d like to thank you for sticking it out with me until the very end. Thanks for you support and your love.
Pura Vida.
